ON PREFERRING SOLITUDE

i'm so used to being alone these days that sometimes i wonder if would acclimate well at all to the alternative. i've turned people away who wanted to be a part of my life, as friends of lovers, by throwing the "i really want to be alone right now so that i can be productive and stay focused and get a lot of work done and really figure out what i'm all about" card at them, and when i throw such a card i know full well that i mean it. but at the same time i have an inkling of suspicion that some kind of golden and glimmering balance does exist between the solitary kind of productivity and the kind of productivity found in camadaderie. i know that i can't go without the former (solitary productivity) for very long without jumping right out of my skin, but i have only several times found a good kind of productive camaraderie in any kind of a relationship other than in a friendship. which i think is why i tend to choose singledom over coupledom ninety-nine times out of one-hundred. i place my own work and goals too high on the ladder of priorities. and i think maybe that's a flaw or a sign of an overactive sense of pride.

despite this, i boil over with excitement when i think about the possibility of there existing some kind of relationship that is mutually inspiring, and that also includes mutually inspiring sex and mutually inspiring conversation; and yet allots time for mutually valuable solitude for both parties. 

there's something to be said not only for using time alone in a productive manner, but also for wasting time alone (by way of reading or listening to music or taking walks or getting lost or stuffing feathers into pinecones); and similarly there is something quite wonderful to be said of wasting time with someone else (by way of watching films or telling stories or walking around or getting lost or making out or scratching each others' scalps or what-have-you). in fact, the latter (time wasted with another) is one of my favorite things in the world. 

and so it seems that, when given the options of time spent alone hard at work, time spent alone spacing out, time spent with someone else hard at work, or time spent with someone else spacing out, nothing is a waste. i think the best combination, though, includes an increased amount of time spent alone working hard, a decreased amount of time spent alone spacing out, and an increased amount of time spent with another (or others), perhaps split pretty evenly between that which may qualify as the space-out and that which might qualify as hard work.

so, i've often concluded that solitude used well is anything but a waste of time; and i've just as often speculated that camaraderie, given a specific spin, has the ability to inspire the diligence needed to move mountains or build pyramids. maybe it actually has more inspirational force than the solitary mind, because Love or Affection is standing around saying, "hey, man, i've got your back. don't think about it. don't question it. move mountains, baby"...

despite all of this, i still tend to choose to be alone a lot of the time, and yet i still tend to seek out individuals who inspire in me a will to be diligent, both when i am around them and when i am not; both in the areas of recreation and in the areas of work (what the fuck does this word "work" mean? when i use it, i like to think that it applies to that which is meaningful but requiring of effort, and not that which is a pain in the ass and requiring of a cubicle. but my definition conflicts with that of many).

i've learned something interesting about myself. in the mornings, before i have my coffee, i'm generally grumpy. in the mornings, before i have some breakfast, i'm almost necessarily grouchy. perhaps undetectably so, but nonetheless apparent to me. but if someone is in my bed, and if that someone is someone that i don't regret finding next to me when i wake, then i don't need coffee or food right away, and i am not grouchy or grumpy at all, either detectably or otherwise. perhaps that means that i'd do okay if one day someone were to wander into my life. it's a nice thing to ponder.

friends and people in my life bring me joy, as does the act of working hard on things that matter to me (music, writing, art, my education, etc.). the kinds of joy are different, and cannot exist without one another, and inspire and feed into each other. to live alone for a whole life by choice is to be a fool; and to forget the importance of spending quiet nights with only the murmur of one's own thoughts is to forget what it is to exist. which is abominable. so there it is. friends, lovers, and space to be alone. wonderful and non-opposing forces in life. thank god, no?

because really, i want to roll around things in my own mind and roll them onto the plates of other minds, and roll things out of other peoples' heads and turn them over in my hands.