ON THE DOORS TO THE SELF

there are lots of little rickety doors into my head and my heart and even my sleeping thoughts. they're hard to get into. some have peepholes, by way of which i can predict one's entry, and some do not. some people open them without effort. others cant seem to find the knobs. some knock and then turn to walk away. some don't knock at all and open the doors with ease and stroll right on in. i hand out keys, and then i change the locks. sometimes i hand out keys to which there are no corresponding doors. the doors can be kicked down, and sometimes i'm so impressed with the sheer gall of the kickers that i don't bother to put the doors back up. i don't mind so much that some kick down the doors and only stay for a time. curiosity is a powerful thing and some of the most interesting rooms or buildings that i've been inside of haven't necessarily been buildings that i want to stay in. sometimes people have other buildings or rooms that call them back. sometimes people are looking for a room they will never find. sometimes people can't decide on a room. and sometimes people want to see every room in the world before they decide what they like. some people don't like any of it.

it's none of my business how long someone stays. i'm glad to have people and friends in my life regardless of the outcome of anything. things are as they are, and will be as they will be. and it is, and will always be, the way of things.

as much as i'm coming to accept surprise visits and brief stays, from friends or lovers or those that resist definition, i'd love to meet someone who would kick down a door, or kick down all of the doors, and refuse to leave. or someone who would give me reason to ask them to stay. or reason to block their exit. someone who finds another way in besides the front door. someone who doesn't need a door to get in because they are already there.

i'm not worried that it will never happen. maybe i used to be, not so long ago. a few years ago, even. but as of now i look forward to life and i enjoy the uncertainty of things. uncertainty is the only certainty i can count on. and i'm eager to see the rest of my days unfold.